My Recent Dream

I was standing in an empty dirt lot with two other people - one being a small child. I had decided that this was a nice enough spot to build a house for myself. So I tried to force the house to appear with my mind and it wouldn’t. I couldn’t understand it for I could still conjure up big red apples to the palm of my hand at will. And I did to make sure I was still enchanted. The apple appeared in my hand then I gave it to the child who then ate it.

A group of surveyors showed up and began running diagnostics on the land. I approached one and asked about the property. I wondered if there was toxic waste or something abnormal in the dirt. I guy said no and then led me into the house next door. The house was very large and clean. I walked to the back door that had a large window in it and looked out. I saw four very large colorful cobra snakes grouped together. In one cobra I could see the form of a small child about 2 years old. His knees were slightly bent. In another snake I saw the form of a larger child about 7 or 8 years old lying motionless in the belly of the snake. Another cobra had swallowed what looked like an adult. This snake was much bigger and the person inside the snake was around 5’8. The last snake was the biggest. I’d never seen a snake, especially a cobra snake, this large. It swallowed an adult male and the man’s body took up a good portion of the snake’s body.

I thought about going outside and cutting the bodies out but the people were most likely bitten and therefore dead from the poison. Then I saw the two smaller snakes that had eaten the children, fighting over what looked like the tail of a dog. One was trying to pull the tail out of the other’s mouth. My only thought was that I had changed my mind about living in that area. I said, “I’m going back to California.” Then I woke up.

Have a Nice Day!

My Morning Rant

I appreciate the super markets hiring intellectually changed people. A lot of companies don’t. I only ask that the ‘special’ employees wear visible tags that read, “Don’t ask me shit ‘cause I don’t know shit.”

I was in line at the register and while emptying my cart, realized that I had forgotten hotdog buns. So I asked the bagger, who was just standing at her bagging station, “Elizabeth? Hi! Could you do me a favor and get me one bag of hotdog buns, please? The store brand is fine.” Poor Elizabeth looked at me like I just asked to see her tits then the cashier repeated my request to Elizabeth then sent her to the bread section. A lot of time pasted, enough to scan and bag $100 worth of groceries, when Elizabeth finally and slowly returned. She was holding a French bread baguette. My only thought was, “Damn Bitch! You don’t even know what a fuckin’ hotdog bun looks like - and I know you probably live on that shit too.” The cashier, seeing the mistake, quickly left her station and within a few minutes returned with hotdog buns. She apologized for Elizabeth who was busy conversing with my 3 year old.

So, I feel my request is valid for no one really likes spending more time than needed in the grocery store and don’t you hate it when you’re in line at the register and the momentum is lost? It’s like being trapped in a one-way tunnel. You’ve got all your shit out of the basket only to stand there and wait and wait some more. I was the only person in line at first but by the time Elizabeth returned from her odyssey in the bread section the line at the register was three people deep.

Surprise! You’re Really Not in Stealth Mode.

I know there are a lot of people out in the facebook world who restrain themselves from interacting with friends on their list. They like to read other's conversations and look at the pictures and periodically check the friends of friends people out too. But guess what? I can see you. Peek-A-Boo. Your nosey ass leaves cyber footprints wherever you go. Oh I’m not going to tell you what the cyber footprints are per se. Just know that I know what you are doing and I am hopeful that someday you can relax your butt cheeks enough to jump in on the conversations or even friend some of the friends of friends you’ve been stalking. Happy Trails!

The Lesson

Mark Bowman never lacked confidence. Even in his youth, Mark tackled every task willingly but not without the proper preparation which always took months. In high school, Mark fell in love with a classmate named Misty. By senior year, they were inseparable until winter break when Misty broke up with Mark.

Mark was devastated and made it his goal in life to win back Misty then dump her so she would feel as bad as he did. She was everything to him. They had talked about having kids together, growing old together and having a happy life. Meanwhile, Misty was a free spirit and went about her days content that she had made the right decision to leave Mark. She was only being honest in that she didn’t feel the same way about Mark as he did her and besides, she wanted to date other guys. The problem with Mark was that the only feelings he would admit to were fatigue and hunger and Misty wanted someone more well-rounded.

To everyone’s surprise, Mark and Misty got back together before graduation. Mark was super-nice to Misty and Misty just couldn’t find anyone else worth dating and decided to give Mark another try. They lasted only a few months together for Mark grew paranoid about Misty.

The rest of the story can be found in Life Happens: The Short Story Collection available on Amazon.com and Kindle. https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=r+jozwiakowski

The Bullshit of 180 Movie

Have you heard? The Pro-Life people have thought of a brilliant way to change the minds of some people that believe in Pro-Choice. And I say some people simply because I know that most people have an IQ that hovers around 100. Those people are susceptible to being easily manipulated. Need proof? George W. Bush got a second term. Need more? OJ Simpson was acquitted. One more. Bristol Palin made $250 thousand dollars from people willing to listen to her talk about abstinence. So with that said, the Pro-Lifers have thought up a doozy of a reason to outlaw abortion and it will be interesting to see if there is any effect in voting after this so called movie gets around.

Here’s the deal: Being for abortion for any reason is just like saying it was okay for Hitler to kill all those Jews during WWII. Yes! That’s basically it. The film goes into how many people have never heard of Hitler and if the past isn’t taught in school then we’re forced to repeat it blah blah blah. I think the guy changing people’s minds was at Venice Beach and talking to mostly teenagers. But once the word was out about who Hitler was and what he did, the comparison was forced. One person stated that in a situation of rape abortion should be okay but then our genius host says, “So we should make the child pay for the sins of the father?” Clearly, the host has never been raped.

All in all, the film showed a few people changing their minds only because they did not want to be ‘like’ Hitler. I only wonder if anyone thought to ask the host how many children he has adopted. I’m guessing none.

The truth of the matter is that abortion is necessary. And if it makes it any easier for anyone who thinks otherwise know this: Every single child that dies, regardless of religion or cause of death - miscarriages included, goes to Heaven and is immediately adopted by God. Now what better parent would you want than that?

My Piggly Wiggly

Every weekday I drive the same street/shortcut to go pick up my son from preschool and everyday I see this guy walking to the bus stop. For the first few months I didn't pay him much attention except to note that he wears overalls almost everyday. But that's okay because the overalls go well with his mullet. He's not an attractive man, not ugly, just an ordinary everyday kind of over-weight looking person. You know, like you. kidding.

One week, I didn't see him at all. At first I thought maybe he was sick but then it dawned on me that perhaps Piggly Wiggly took a vacation. Yes, I've named him Piggly Wiggly pronounced Pigglay Wigglay. Why? Because it would be too much of a bother for me to pull over and ask, "Hey Dude - what's your name?" That is so not me and the last thing I want is to be served with a restraining order. Besides, I felt invisible to him. I never thought he ever noticed me driving down the street in my mom-mobile.

So last week, I pulled my son out of school for a week vacation at grandma's house. The following Monday, I found myself scanning the sidewalks for Piggly Wiggly. I even said aloud, "Where's my Piggly Wiggly?" I turned the corner and there he was at the bus stop waiting patiently and as I drove passed him, he looked at me and smiled.

O August!

Well, this year is over the halfway mark and I find myself already thinking about the holidays. Earlier this year I saw a psychic. She was very nice and we got along well. Every month I check her forcast ready with pen in hand to check off events. Unfortunately, I have only checked off 3 events: I bought car, got sick and visited some family. No suprises really. I had planned on buying a car. The visit with family was planned and getting sick seems to happen every other month anyway. But what about the rest of the forcast - the stuff I have no plans for? I know it's only August but damn.

I guess I will just have to wait out the rest of the year so that come January 1st 2012, I can rant about how either I have access to the greatest psychic or not.

The Question of the Month!

My 4th of July was spent detailing the front lawn with my two little kids and hubby. There was a heat wave in effect so we began our chores in the bright and early morning. After rolling the great green can to the front, I left the gate open thinking, "What's the harm? The neighborhood is safe and no one is around." Besides, we were all out on the front lawn and side yard. What could we miss?

The front was finished before noon so the kids went down for a nap. In the house, I noticed something on the lawn in the backyard through the sliding glass door. I thought it was a snake - the garden variety. But this snake looked kind of big. I waited 20 minutes then returned to the window and there was no change. I took a closer look by going out back and to my horror some nasty mutha fucka took a big ass dump on my back lawn. So, the question of the month is: who the fuck took a dump in my backyard?

I have a very short list of suspects. The first suspect is the neighbor's dog. He hates us so there is motive. BUT, there are no holes in the fence or under the fence so the dog would of had to scale over 7-feet of fence. Oh, did I mention that the dog is dachshund? Yes, a wiener dog. They are diggers but climbers? I don't think so. Plus, he's old - at least 10 years.

The second suspect is one of 7 Jehovah witnesses that descended on the neighborhood about an hour after we started the yard work. Now, I'm not one to beat up on a Jehovah witness just for the sake of it. I'm not a complete bitch. But I must face facts. There was no one around except the Jehovah witnesses and they did have motive. When they approached my husband, he rebuffed their offer sans the sugar coating.

Lastly, I had thought about a stray dog wandering around but my daughter is dog crazy and would have seen the dog then pursued it into on-coming traffic so it's either the dachshund or an ill tempered Jehovah witness.

Today Is My Birthday

For many many years, at least as long as I have been alive, June 28th has been the perfect weather day. Every June 28th has been a day of mid to high 70's with blue skys and maybe a few big, white, pillowy clouds floating overhead. Not today.

The Jume 28th of 2011 is raining and I mean sheets of rain - all damn day. What happened? I always imagined that the day June 28th wasn't a sunny perfect day would be the day I died but I'm still here. I have no plans to die any time soon so there must be something else. I imagine it will marierialize by the end of the day or maybe tomorrow but for now, I'm in the twilight zone of birthdays.

*

H*w c*me so m*ny pe*ple repl*ce s*me v*wels wh*n wr*ting expl*tives? Wh*t’s the po*nt? Is it th*t by n*t typ*ng the ent*re c*rse w*rd sp*res the del*cate m*nded? As if the p*ople who opp*se us*ng sw*ar w*rds are fo*led wh*n th*y see the w*rd 'sh*t' m*ssing a l*tter. “Oh thank God! For a minute I thought I was about to read an unholy word but alas, seeing the asterisk allows my imagination to insert an O or U but definitely not I.” G*ve me a br*ak! If y*u w*nt to s*y f*ck th*n f*r f*ck’s s*ke, t*pe fuck.

Me and Ralph Ellison

O where to begin! I’ve had a copy of The Invisible Man for 20 years give or take. And what can I say except; Ellison is just a plain old rambling man. I’ve tried to read that book over and over and I just can’t get through it. I lose interest faster than my 4 year old can turn his nose up and scowl at a plate of broccoli. Ellison is the type of writer whose voice is not unlike that of Charlie Brown’s teacher. It wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t over use parentheses and run off into tangents that go nowhere and stall the story. He is just a very wordy mutha fucka and I give up. I’m getting rid of the book. I can go to my grave without regret that I’ve missed out because I know that if I force myself to read every single page of that book, I’ll feel cheated. I would have surrendered part of my life to Ellison and I can just see him in the here after pointing and laughing saying, “gottcha sucka.” Of course that was the short version. Ellison would use at least 1000 words to say that much.


September 15, 2011 UPDATE: Okay, I confess. I read the book after all. I just couldn’t let it go. And let me tell ya: Reading that book was not unlike being force fed - you know, like in that scene in The Human Centipede when the Japanese dude finally craps and the German doctor strokes the hair of the girl sewn to said dude’s ass and calmly says, “Swallow it.” All in all, I’m glad I read it. I’ll spare you the 500 plus pages and just tell you that not all people are honest or nice and if you allow yourself to be led by the nose for too long, you’ll end up walking blindly into an uncovered manhole (no pun) in the dead of night. Cheers!

The Kinder Gentler Herpes

Remember when information about STDs was taught in public schools and when Herpes came up, all that was disclosed was that there was no cure. Oh, and don’t forget about the sores on your genitalia and in and around your mouth. Over the years, pharms have crafted meds to suppress the sores or at least magically make them heal faster because God for bid anybody lose their stride obtaining bedfellows - right?. Overall, Herpes was considered to be a terrible, permanent, ugly and painful disease that no body wanted and if you did get it, you were to graciously and quickly leave the bedding pool or so I thought.

Well, since the majority of IQs hover around 95 the 'bowing out' of the infected didn’t happen at all. 1 in 5 people have Herpes and maybe half or less really know it. It’s no surprise really because AIDS is much worse and is spread even faster. But I’m not here to talk about AIDS.

I’ve often wondered: Why would someone knowingly spread a disease or not get an annual physical when they are sexually active and don’t bother to practice safe sex? Well, I was watching a sex therapist reality show a few nights ago and the woman being counseled had Herpes. She was ashamed of herself and developed an OCD issue with over-cleaning her self and her house and thought sex was dirty blah blah blah. But the husband’s take on the Herpes things was, “So what.” Really? So the sex therapist sat the woman down and said very plainly:

“Herpes is just a skin condition.”

The woman began to feel better about herself and who wouldn’t but I think the sex therapist just may have caused more harm than good.

Herpes isn’t just a skin condition. Leprosy isn’t just a skin condition either. Acne, now that’s a skin condition. Getting sores that ooze in and around your mouth and genitals are no joke. You are even more susceptible to HIV and other diseases because of that shit. Pregnant women infected with Herpes must have cesarean deliveries or their babies will be blinded. Herpes is no joke and there is no cure.

I guess I have to chalk it all up to survival of the fittest. Nature thins the herd flushing out the weak and diseased one way or another - maybe. It’s too bad though. I feel like there is more misinformation passed around than accurate information but maybe that’s just part of the process. At least the OCD-VD’d woman was honest enough to inform her soon-to-be-husband of her condition BEFORE they had sex the first time. Some people aren’t that lucky.

I know a guy who fell victim to a female’s conspiring and he still doesn’t know it. They met in college some years back and he was in a vulnerable state having been dumped by the love of his life. So as he drank himself into a stupor and sluttishly worked his way from dorm room to dorm room, the female watched and waited for she had plan. When it was finally her turn, she enticed him with car rides, sweet treats and unlimited sexual favors just to keep him interested in her and it worked until he began to lose that interest and started acting aloof towards her. Then she hit him with the news: “You gave me Herpes” - even though she knew damn well she got Herpes in high school. He was dumbfounded. After all, why would she lie? She was a sweet, young, although plain-looking, white girl from a small town with a Catholic upbringing. He had no clue that he fell right into her trap because he had already been diagnosed with genital crabs from a pervious drunken encounter so why question anything. She groomed him and it took some time but she manipulated him with guilt into marrying her for he had ruined her chances by giving her Herpes so they may as well stay together - right? I saw the ring and it’s the smallest diamond I’ve ever seen - maybe worth $40 with taxes. In the end, she broke him. He surrendered and married her. He puts on a decent front by saying that he loves her but all I see is tolerance, shame and desperation quietly disguised as love. I can see it in his face and their children’s faces.

Letter of Remorse

The importance of forgiveness is always stressed when someone has been wronged in any regard. The new and improved definition of forgiveness is to accept that the past cannot be changed. That’s acceptable considering that no one can change the past but how many people sit and fantasize about how they would have done things differently if given the chance? Or even replay in their head over and over the desired outcome as if that would erase the true branded memory? Answer: Everyone. I know that life lessons are not always pleasant and when one fails to learn any life lesson, the process begins again and again until the desired knowledge is gained allowing for forward intellectual and spiritual movement. So yes, forgiveness is required but what about remorse? Yes, remorse.

Basically, remorse is regret and I’ve heard many say, “Never regret anything.” Well, those people can suck it because having regret means that you take responsibility for your actions and that you pretty much made a mistake and feel bad for it. In short, you were wrong. I think being able to say out loud and even while looking into a mirror or to the person you offended that you were wrong is just plain honest. And sure, being honest can hurt because growth hurts but again it is all a part of the process of forward intellectual and spiritual movement.

The difficult part of remorse is sincerity. Being sincere is so hard and most people can pick up on insincerity right away. So what do you do? Do you send flowers? Flowers are nice but it is really a form of begging. Verbally degrade yourself so that the person offended can think even less of you? No, ‘cause that’s insincerity at it’s core. Buy a vintage baseball card of the person’s favorite player and present it as a gift? No, still begging. There is nothing that is equivalent to sincere remorse except sincere remorse. So this is my offer:

I love you. I’ve always loved you. I think the world of you. In fact, you are a bit of a muse for me, which is most likely why I’m so drawn to you in the first place. You have always inspired me to do better and I was totally wrong in my actions that hurt you directly. I wish you nothing less than love, success and happiness.

Ever since I graduated from college, they’ve been after me for money. I had to take out several loans to get my useless degree and it took me about 10 years to pay it all off. All through those 10 years, there was my college hitting me up for cash at every turn. It really made me feel like a failure because for some reason, everyone thought I would be making big bucks fresh out of college. And the truth is, everyone who looked at my resume - even the local recruiters - thought my college was located in the Caribbean on a remote foreign island or that it was an unaccredited junior college located off some dirt road.

So here we are, 20 years later and the college has kicked up the fundraising by trying to sell me an actual phone book with all my classmates contact info - but only the nine classes after I graduated - naturally. Hello! Heard of Facebook? Oh, but just using facebook doesn’t “support” the college. Since when does that college need MORE of my support? What’s in it for me? Honorable mention? Fuck You.

My Recent Dream

I had a vivid dream last night. I was sitting on a bench along a walkway outside but underneath a large vine covered lattice. It was a beautiful day in the countryside. Across from me was a fenced large grassy hillside where a brown and white cow was grazing nearby a black horse, which was also grazing. As I watched the animals, I commented to my friend sitting next me that the hillside looked too steep for such a short fence. One false step and any animal would come tumbling down into the fence that was a good 20 feet from the bottom of the hillside. The animals looked closer than they really were or so I thought.

Then, a little brown goat came walking down the hill alongside the fence passing the grazing cow, which seemed not to notice the goat. I remember making goat noises to get the goat’s attention. Suddenly, the black horse lifted its head and with its ears flattened back it attacked the cow biting its hip. The cow was startled but began bucking and mooing at the horse. The goat tried to move out of the way but was cornered by the large beasts. The horse then reared up onto its hind legs and as it did, the cow kicked connecting its hoofs to the horse’s belly. The horse went flying over the fence and tumbled down the rest of the hillside landing on the pathway between where I was sitting and the door to a building. The last thing I remember was seeing the glassy dark eyes of the horse staring at me as it laid on the ground with its legs sprawled out on the pavement.

I don't know the meaning of any of the dream so I'm open to suggestions.

The Truth About Why Females Go To College

After hearing so many accolades about the movie The Social Network, I added it to my Netflix queue and saw it a few days ago. My first impression was, “Wow, can these actors talk any faster?” I bet if everyone spoke at a regular tempo, the movie would have been 3 hours long. By midway through the movie, my excitement for the storyline turned to out-right disgust. The way the women were portrayed in that film was insulting to women. Out of the entire cast, there were only 2 females I saw who weren’t total slutty whores and of course they had very little screen time. So what’s the message here for the ladies?

When Aaron Sorkin, the screenplay writer of The Social Network, accepted his Golden Globe for best screenplay he had a message for his 9-year-old daughter. He said,

“Smart girls have more fun.”

So, the females he created in his story, who got into Harvard, were there only to fuck and suck their way through four years - for fun? Really? Sure, sex can be fun. I’ll admit the obvious but what I saw were a bunch of girls spreading their legs for any guy attending Harvard in hopes of becoming his wife. Yes, wife. Or maybe I was wrong and they were just fornicating to get pregnant so they could at least have some kind of income post graduation - if they even graduated at all.

I was reminded of my own journey through higher education. After earning my BA, I decided to enter the work force. I was horrified when the only jobs offered to me were as a receptionist. You know who else become receptionists? The girls who dropped out of high school. If only adults were more honest with me when I was younger. Instead of just harping me to go to college, no one ever said why except to “get a good paying job.” That was bullshit. Here is the truth of what should have been said to a female adolecent about to enter high school:

Go to college and fuck your way through the undergrad program in hopes of finding a husband because it will be him that gets the good paying job - not you. If you fail in four years, then get into a graduate program where you’ll have 18 more months to 2 years to continue your search. And when I say search, I mean more fucking and sucking and now faculty are no longer excluded. Lastly, if you fail again, your last hope is getting into a 6 year Ph.D. program and if you get that degree without a husband then maybe you can make some money writing books about finding your bliss or spiritual oneness. Good luck.

I thought the message from the movie was clear. Women are only as good as their genitalia but otherwise have nothing else to offer. Even a pretty face only last for so long. So time is of the essence! Fuck everybody - with money or money earning potential. And if you're just figuring this out and you're older than 28 - sorry bitch. Start hoarding cats.

I honestly think that maybe just maybe Harvard only accepts women based on their fuckable value - and how much money their parents have. I should have applied when I had the chance. I love rejection.

So when you look into the eyes of that 4th grade girl and ask her what she wants to be when she grows up. Ask the question properly with absolute honesty. Say, “What kind of whore do you want to be when you grow up?”

Chain Letter from God

I have, as well as everyone else with an email address, been getting chain letters for years. I never pass them along because just like the ones I used to get in junior high - even though those were hand written on paper - they don't hold any truth or magical power. So what's the deal? Why do people still pass along these annoying chain letters? Who is really benefiting from it?

The current chain letter I just got this morning, actually threatened me. This is what it read, "Forwarding because the picture and prayer are special. Not because of the threat of harm." But then the letter continues telling these 'true stories’ on how some guy's son died 8 days after not forwarding the chain letter. Then a woman lost her job because she forgot to forward the chain letter and another guy lost his whole family for neglecting the chain letter's instruction. Oh, and the kicker is the tale about the one poor fool who did forward the letter and won the lottery for doing so. Is this really how God communicates with people? “Say this prayer then forward this email or I’ll kill your whole fucking family. Your Lord and Savior, God” And the picture that was attached wasn’t even the Novena. It’s just a couple of hookers playing dress up.

My point is: no one is benefiting from chain letters. No one has won the lottery or lost loved ones but people keep forwarding chain letters. At first I thought that the people that keep sending the letters are just stupid but maybe those people are just hopeful. They want to believe in magic and experience something special. Ain't that sweet? Well, if anyone is interested in experiencing something special, go to a spa and get a facial or massage. Those things are pretty fucking special and I guarantee you'll feel wonderful afterwards.

PS – In case you are interested. Here is the rest of the chain letter. Oh, and I took the liberty of adding the real Novena.



You were chosen to receive this novena. The moment you receive it, say:

Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven, give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.

GOD WANTED ME TO TELL YOU, It shall be well with you this coming year. No matter how much your enemies try this year, they will not succeed. You have been destined to make it and you shall surely achieve all your goals this year. For all of 2011, all your agonies will be diverted and victory and prosperity will be incoming in abundance. Today God has confirmed the end of your sufferings sorrows and pain because HE that sits on the throne has remembered you. He has taken away the hardships and given you JOY. He will never let you down.

I knocked at heaven's door this morning, God asked me. My child! What can I do for you? And I said,'Father, please protect and bless the person reading this message.'

This is a Novena from Mother Theresa that started in 1952.

It has never been broken. Within 48 hours send 20 copies (Or as many as you can - God does know if you don't have 20 people to send it to. It's the effort and intent that counts. ) To family and friends.

This is a powerful Novena. Couldn’t hurt. Can only help.

Please do not break it.