The Question of the Month!

My 4th of July was spent detailing the front lawn with my two little kids and hubby. There was a heat wave in effect so we began our chores in the bright and early morning. After rolling the great green can to the front, I left the gate open thinking, "What's the harm? The neighborhood is safe and no one is around." Besides, we were all out on the front lawn and side yard. What could we miss?

The front was finished before noon so the kids went down for a nap. In the house, I noticed something on the lawn in the backyard through the sliding glass door. I thought it was a snake - the garden variety. But this snake looked kind of big. I waited 20 minutes then returned to the window and there was no change. I took a closer look by going out back and to my horror some nasty mutha fucka took a big ass dump on my back lawn. So, the question of the month is: who the fuck took a dump in my backyard?

I have a very short list of suspects. The first suspect is the neighbor's dog. He hates us so there is motive. BUT, there are no holes in the fence or under the fence so the dog would of had to scale over 7-feet of fence. Oh, did I mention that the dog is dachshund? Yes, a wiener dog. They are diggers but climbers? I don't think so. Plus, he's old - at least 10 years.

The second suspect is one of 7 Jehovah witnesses that descended on the neighborhood about an hour after we started the yard work. Now, I'm not one to beat up on a Jehovah witness just for the sake of it. I'm not a complete bitch. But I must face facts. There was no one around except the Jehovah witnesses and they did have motive. When they approached my husband, he rebuffed their offer sans the sugar coating.

Lastly, I had thought about a stray dog wandering around but my daughter is dog crazy and would have seen the dog then pursued it into on-coming traffic so it's either the dachshund or an ill tempered Jehovah witness.