My Winter Rant

I like to look at back issues of Playboy for three reasons: 1) To find the hidden bunny on the front cover; 2) To look at the naked ladies but not for arousal, rather to be critical at all the over bleaching they do to their teeth; and 3) To read the Playboy Advisor.

The funniest submission to the Advisor was in a back issue from May 2003. E.R. in Las Vegas wrote:

“I love to have my girlfriend sit on my face so I can lick her. The problem is that I inhale her wetness through my nose. I can usually smell her for days. It’s not unpleasant, but sometimes it kills my appetite. Any suggestions?”

My first reaction was to laugh and laugh and laugh for this was a new one on me. My second thought was, “Wait a minute! You mean to tell me I’ve been sittin’ on the best completely organic appetite suppressant for decades?!” If only it were that simple. My own scent does not suppress anything and I’d rather stab myself repeatedly in the face before sampling any other woman’s scent.

I didn’t read the Advisor’s response at first but I started to think, “Why would that guy’s sinus smell like lady-crotch days after? And what did the Advisor tell him?” I know what I would say and it wouldn’t be nice but then again, is it ever? I’d say:

“Dear E.R. thanks for writing. When you’re done being a human bidet for your woman, blow your nose and wash your face with soap and water. Feel free to get in the shower daily and rub the soap all over your body because it’s clear to me that you don’t have a fucking clue about personal hygiene. If that doesn’t work, try using a Neti pot. Good Day!”

The actual response wasn’t nearly as informative as I thought it should be but hey, it’s Playboy and not JAMA. The response is below. It’s a keeper.

“None. We love that smell.”