My Winter Rant

I like to look at back issues of Playboy for three reasons: 1) To find the hidden bunny on the front cover; 2) To look at the naked ladies but not for arousal, rather to be critical at all the over bleaching they do to their teeth; and 3) To read the Playboy Advisor.

The funniest submission to the Advisor was in a back issue from May 2003. E.R. in Las Vegas wrote:

“I love to have my girlfriend sit on my face so I can lick her. The problem is that I inhale her wetness through my nose. I can usually smell her for days. It’s not unpleasant, but sometimes it kills my appetite. Any suggestions?”

My first reaction was to laugh and laugh and laugh for this was a new one on me. My second thought was, “Wait a minute! You mean to tell me I’ve been sittin’ on the best completely organic appetite suppressant for decades?!” If only it were that simple. My own scent does not suppress anything and I’d rather stab myself repeatedly in the face before sampling any other woman’s scent.

I didn’t read the Advisor’s response at first but I started to think, “Why would that guy’s sinus smell like lady-crotch days after? And what did the Advisor tell him?” I know what I would say and it wouldn’t be nice but then again, is it ever? I’d say:

“Dear E.R. thanks for writing. When you’re done being a human bidet for your woman, blow your nose and wash your face with soap and water. Feel free to get in the shower daily and rub the soap all over your body because it’s clear to me that you don’t have a fucking clue about personal hygiene. If that doesn’t work, try using a Neti pot. Good Day!”

The actual response wasn’t nearly as informative as I thought it should be but hey, it’s Playboy and not JAMA. The response is below. It’s a keeper.

“None. We love that smell.”

The Hook-Up

Her: Hey you let’s chat.
Him: Ok
Her: Thanks for adding me as a friend. I hope your wife doesn’t mind.
Him: Why would she mind? She has no clue.
Her: You didn’t tell her our history?
Him: Hell no. I was seeing her at the time…remember?
Her: Oh, right. So she knows nothing?
Him: Nothing. She’s clueless.
Her: Did you even tell her about your Ex?
Him: All she knows is that she’s my Ex but I never gave her details.
Her: How come?
Him: It’s none of her business.
Her: I noticed she’s not on your friends list.
Him: Yeah. It’s complicated. Is she on yours?
Her: No. I never asked.
Him: Why not?
Her: I broke the code.
Him: Do you think she knows?
Her: I don’t know but it’s not like she’s approached me.
Him: She knows.
Her: Oh. So what’s new? Got another kid on the way?
Him: Ha-Ha - you’re funny. What have you been up to?
Her: My horses.
Him: So you’ve moved on to bigger.
Her: And better. I have needs too you know.
Him: Don’t I know it. Aren’t you afraid of disease…for the horses?
Her: I clean them every week. I am a mother you know.
Him: Does your husband know?
Her: He’s clueless too.
Him: So he doesn’t know his wife is a mega super slut?
Her: How would he? It’s not like we met in college.
Him: I met mine in college and she still doesn’t know about me. She’s ignorant like that.
Her: HaHa - but I thought she was smart. Doesn’t she have a bunch of degrees?
Him: She’s book smart but has no common sense. I think she just married me for my name anyway.
Her: Oh, I thought you married her for her name. HaHa!
Him: Very funny.
Her: It’s kind of obvious, Dude.
Him: You don’t know.
Her: I saw your son’s graduation picture the other day. He looks just like you.
Him: I’m just happy I didn’t have to pay for him.
Her: She never asked for support?
Him: No way. She pinned it on another guy after I gave her directions to Planned Parenthood.
Her: HaHa! You really did that?
Him: There was no way I was gonna marry that fat fug. She knows why she got some.
Her: She should have named him Rolling Rock. LoL
Him: Yeah, total beer goggle moment for me back then.
Her: Right. And I’m so grateful too…especially for the STD.
Him: I thought you gave me an STD.
Her: Yeah, I think I gave you herpes.
Him: Shit, that was you? Fuck you.
Her: HaHaHaHa! You’re welcome.
Him: No worries. So when can I see you? I’ve missed you.
Her: Are you THAT hungry?
Him: The wife isn’t as adventurous. It’s frustrating.
Her: So how do you manage?
Him: I just go and get a bj from one of my students. No big.
Her: Aren’t you worried about losing your job? Or jail time?
Him: My students are very loyal and the school loves me.
Her: Nice. You should still be careful.
Him: I’ve been here over 10 years. I think I know what I’m doing.
Her: If you say so.
Him: So when can you make the drive over the hill?
Her: Well, I’m partial to my horses now. I’m so stretched out but my ass is tight.
Him: That’s good enough for me. The wife won’t let me go back door.
Her: Really? What a prude!
Him: No shit. She thinks it’s a sin.
Her: Bawhahahahahahaha!
Him: I know.
Her: How’s next week?